I was looking for something in the top drawer of my sewing machine desk. The desk is old…was my mom’s…it is the kind that actually looks like a student desk, and the machine can be folded down inside it. Anyway…I was looking in the drawer and discovered that the box of safety pins had spilled. As I started picking them up it dawned on me that in a childless household I will be able to keep the drawer straight and neat. Or at least only have myself to blame if it is a mess. What will that be like? I don’t know…but a split second after that thought came the pain..horrible pain that is beyond description. It happens all too often, every time something reminds me of our youngest son. I know the cliches, that it feels like your heart is ripped from your chest….that your heart is heavy…and now I know the physical feeling that led to their creation. It feels as though a white hot lump of coal is in my chest. I have to fight to breathe as the tears poor down my face. It can happen anywhere…in WalMart…in every room of my house…as I drive through the streets of Palm Coast. The memories really do assault me, I imagine that it feels very much like a giant has grabbed me up in his fist, held me so tightly I am sure I will die…and then slammed me to the pavement. The giant is sadistic…because he lets me think I’ve escaped….only to suddenly grab me again, and again.
This entry was posted on Sunday, May 7th, 2006 at 9:36 am and is filed under Life in the Country. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
One Response to “Dichotomy”
michelle Says:
I remember the desk and can picture it clearly in my mind. It is easy to transport myself to that house where so many chldhood memories are crystal clear. I still think it is so funny that your Mom would not let us sleep in the same room when I would spend the night….thinking it would make for a quieter night, LOL!
You will survive the giant.
